Happy Christmas
by KotyonokGriffin
Summary: For Tony, Christmas has always been The Worst Time. But this year he has Bucky, and that means that everything will be better. Right?


_This is a story brought to you only by me - General Fluff - without my angst-loving writing partner this time. I would publish it on my own channel, but my usual readers come for the fluff and I do believe they would be permanently traumatised by this story as it is more angsty than anything on there. Hell,_ I _am permanently traumatised by this story!_ _(I do not read angst for a reason, nevermind writing it!)_

 _\- Griffin_

Christmas had always been The Worst Time. Tony was used to this; it was the Spirit of the Season or something like that.

It had started when he was two years old and Howard Stark forgot him in the lab, leaving Tony the Toddler crying and alone in the dark for the entire night before Christmas until his mother missed him and they finally found him late in the morning, after two hours of searching. He vaguely recalled the terror of the dark shapes and the high pitched argument between his parents which lasted for all the rest of that year. It was the last time Howard Stark tried to include his son in what he did. Ever.

It continued the next year with a series of meetings which left Howard away and while Maria Stark took the opportunity to play with her son, the snow left her in hospital with phemonia, so Tony was basically left alone for Cristmas again.

The next year was a bit better - Jarvis the butler had decided to stay over the holidays and no one shouted. Howard worked most of the weekend, but Tony was only five, and he had two adults who payed attention to him. It was the only good Christmas he could remember.

When Tony was six he built his first own bot. When Christmas came around he tried to build a waterproof one, and ended up in the hospital with second degree burns on his legs. The scars had faded, but the memories still hurt.

The next Christmas was cancelled. Entirely. Howard even formally declared it. No one really blamed him: might have had something to do with Maria Stark dying on Christmas Eve from accidentally injesting a rare form of shellfish she was acutely allergic to. By the time an ambulance could come - which was quickly - she was already dead.

The next few Christmases were all bleak. Howard _did_ try, in his own way, buying presents and letting Jarvis hang up tinsel, but they were bleak. When Tony was eleven, Jarvis died. He told his father to stop bother, and from then on, all Christmases were cancelled. Permanently. He ran off to MIT the year after, and drank alone in his dorm room when all his older classmates went home to celebrate. He told himself he didn't care.

It got a bit better after Rhodes came into his life, but Christmas remained bleak. Pepper made it better, but only a little, and only for a short while.

Last Christmas, Pepper had just dumped him, kind as she was about it, and Tony got so drunk he couldn't keep the days apart. He didn't grieve that fact much.

This year, this year was going to be better. He and the rest of the Avengers were not living together this time, but this their second effort at being a team was better than the first try anyway. And there was Bucky, too. Bucky had changed everything, switched his whole world around, if you asked Tony.

That was why Tony had decided this Christmas was to be perfect this year. there was going to be no tragedies and no one was going to die. He had prepared plenty of gifts for everyone, but he planned to spend Christmas Eve alone with Bucky in the tower, and if Bucky wanted to, maybe they could invite the rest of them along later. Maybe.

Bucky and Tony had only been dating for six months, but it had been some of the best months of Tony's life. He had loved Pepper, but she still looked at him like he was the person she knew before so many things. Before Nine Rings. Before the Black Hole. When he was dying, somewhere in between those two. There was so much past. It was not her fault in the least.

Just like she lied and said the breakup was none of his fault. But he appreciated her gentleness in saying it. In the end, it just made the breakup harder. At least if she'd been rude, broken his heart and tossed things, it could at least have distracted him from losing the best thing which had ever happened to him. He did not know how he ended up with a second shot at that: someone who was so good for him, but he'd do anything to keep it. He wasn't alone, now. Not any more.

He thought a lot about what to get Bucky. Splashing out a lot of money which he did not need anyway seemed... well, he just knew Bucky wouldn't like that. It was obvious why, even to Tony nowadays (and wasn't that a change). It is the thought that counts, and just spending money you had to spare anyway doesn't count as thought. perhaps what was why all those gifts from Howard always seemed so cold.

In the end, he had decided to upgrade Bucky's prostethic limb. He had made adjustments and modifications aplenty - in fact, Bucky sitting down in his workshop getting his arm tinkered had been how they got to like one another in the first place - but now he had decided to rebuild it entirely. A completely new unit, from scratch.

It had taken him tree months to complete, in the last few days in between decking out the living floors of the Tower from top to base with the most extravagant Christmas decorations he could build. Because he did, himself.

He had been even busier than he always was, now that Pepper had given him back the reins of CEO, but Bucky had been overseas for two weeks anyway, so it hardly mattered. It had made him miss him a little less, having the preparations to do and Christmas to look forward to for the first time in his life.

Bucky had said he'd arrive on the day before Christmas, so Tony eagerly awaited his return, busying himself in the kitchen. He had made an effort, done lots of research, and actually managed to cook large parts of a Christmas dinner already, and the rest couldn't be made until tomorrow, so he busied himself with making tons of gingerbread, as Bucky was running a bit late.

He told himself not to worry, though - Bucky said he'd come, so he'd come. It was past midnight, that he finally realised that he would not, in fact, turn up. He told himself that it was some minor hickup or something, as he waited for his call to connect. He had not called befoe, because the last thing he wanted was to be clingy.

* * *

"Oh, hi Tony!" Bucky smiled as he picked up the phone, glancing at the clock. Midnight. As he thought: Tony was far too busy inventing these days to even remember it was Christmas. He prided himself on having thought of this: Pepper had, well-intending as she'd been, tried occasionally to change Tony, and he would never do that. As a result, he had made plans of a nostalgic Christmas trip with Steve, so that the genius didn't have to stop for him.

Of course, he would much rather want to spend Christmas with Tony, but a relationship always contains compromises, and besides: what would we not do for those we love?"

"So, eh, when are you coming?" Tony sounded a bit nervous, Bucky noted tenderly - it was so sweet that he got guilty for forgetting. He really had a much larger heart than anyone gave him credit for.

"It's okay, Tones," he assured the genius, still smiling. "I won't come and intrude on your lab-time. I know you've got some huge project going on, and I am excited to see it when it is done. I'm going biking around the states with Steve, so don't worry. We can do presents afterwards if you forgot." He added the last bit as an afterthought, because Tony sounded nervous and that was likely why.

"Oh," Tony's voice was strangely smothered, and that made Bucky frown in suspicion. "Tony? You're not doing anything dangerous like holding a blowtorch while talking on the phone again, are you?"

"Eh, I am actually," the engineer's voice came through suddenly rushed. "I should probably hang up, actually. See you after the holidays!" Before he could say anything more, the line went dead. Bucky looked over at Steve, who was packing his bag, where they were in the common room listening to carrols, and sighed. "I really hope he isn't overworking himself again."

"He has survived this far," Steve attempted to sooth him, "I am sure he will be fine. It is less stress knowing he doesn't have to finish to a time limit because you're coming. Did he know what time it was this time?" Bucky shook his head, slowly. "Didn't seem like it. I miss him," the confession came out as a sigh, "but I guess I cannot smother him. Ready to go first thing in the morning?" "You bet! Lets go to bed, now that you've heard from Tony." At Buckyä's nod, they both moved to their respective rooms, all ready to go the next day, but it still hurt Bucky a little bit. At least Tony had remembered it - that was great.

* * *

Tony stared at the phone. Bucky wasn't coming. Of course he wasn't bloody coming. It was generous and caring of him to accomodate how thoughless Tony knew he could be. It was great. At least that's what he told himself, as he threw all the food and all the six heavy, filled boxes of the gingerbread cookies he had spent fourteen hours making into the trash.

* * *

It was a good trip. Had been even better if Tony had been there, of course, but Bucky had enjoyed it. The other Avengers had sounded a bit strange on the phone when they'd checked in to say Merry Christmas on Christmas morning, but he and Steve hadn't payed them much mind. As they entered their shared home, both supersoldiers could get why.

Even with the Christmas gifts for all the rest of them removed, the sheer space taken up by the gifts for the two of them - especially Bucky, who seemed to have gotten at least ten times as many as Steve - took up considerable space in the room.

Even a very brief check of labels revealed most of them to be from Tony. This wasn't all that strange, in itself, but it became decidedly so as they started to open the boxes.

There was the usual flashy gifts they had all been expecting, as well as some new, cool weaponry, but there was much more to it than that, and not just for Bucky.

"They arrived on Christmas eve, in the morning," Bruce told them, leaning against the wall, forwning slightly, "I thought you said Tony had forgotten about Christmas, from what you gathered from his answers." "He cannot have, this must have taken him ages," Steve added in, as he opened a box of what looked like specially made bolts to secure punching bags. These, he had no doubt, would actually hold them in place unlike the generic ones which broke for him so easily.

"I thought so, he was being so elusive, and you know how he is so I just assumed..." Bucky completely lost the ability to speak, as he opened a large box. Inside, was a new metal arm. He was perhaps a decent mechanic, absolutely not an engineer, but even he knew this must have taken months to design, especially without fitting it to... oh. That was why Tony suddenly didn't want to talk about Christmas. Quite an epic surprise.

"Oh my god," Bucky almost tripped, he reached for his phone so quickly. He could almost hear the rest of the team - no wait, correction, he _could_ hear the rest of the team - draw a relieved breath at seeing he intended to talk to Tony about this.

He got up and paced, waiting not so patiently for Tony to pick up, but he didn't. Deciding that something was very wrong, all of them made their way downtown to the Tower after only a very brief discussion, taking the lifts up to Tony and - usually - Bucky's humonguos flat in the Tower, only to stop dead at the stench.

Bucky's stomach clenched, not because of the odor, but because of the implications of why Tony's flat smelled like rotting flesh, especially as the entire place was beautifully decorated fir Chrstmas - a Christmas he had blatantly ignored. He knew Tony had abandonment issues, damn it. How could he _ever_ have been so stupid? "Jarvis," Natasha was of course the one logical enough to ask, "where does that smell come from?"

There was no answer from Jarvis, in fact, no sign that he was even still there in the building's system. Exchanging very worried looks, they searched manually, room to room. It was Steve who found it, in the kitchen. Coming to join him, they were if possible even more horrified than before. It was not hard to deduce where the smell originated; the kitchen bins where filled beyond capacity with what had obviously been lovingly prepared food. Bucky did not need Jarvis to know when it had been thrown out. The rest of the flat was empty.

Well, not empty, not exactly. All _his_ things were still there, and for that matter, basically all of Tony's, too. But there was no sign of Tony, not until, "BUCKY!" Steve's voice could easily be heard over a battlefield, and in this eerily silent tower, and the rest of the Avengers came to him, where he stood by the window seat which was Bucky's favourite makeout spot, within seconds. Silently, he reached out a note. It was short.

"Bucky. You and Pepper were the best things which ever happened to me, but like with Pepper, I realised that even though I am with you, and should never be alone, when it matters I am still as alone as ever. So I should just stick to that. Alone, I mean," he could imagine Tony awkwardly trying to describe feelings, and that thought might have made him smile, if the note had not already sent all of his intestines into the soles of his feet, "so I've gone back home. Bye, Bucky." Added, as if an afterthought, was, "Merry Christmas, Bucky, I hope it fits." There was nothing more.

Naturally, they tried to reach Tony, all of them, but it was no good. SHIELD, or what was left of it, could only report that Mr Stark had quitted all accociation, no one at SI was willing to divulge any information, and when Natasha, Bruce and Bucky took the Quinyet over to the Malibu mansion, they could not get past the automatic systems to keep out intruders. All they got was the polite voice of Jarvis telling them they were not on the approved visitors list, and that was all. It took months, but eventually even Bucky stopped trying.

They heard of him. Heard of the recordbreaking sales and profits SI was making, heard the rumours of why Tony Stark no longer was seen, but eventually, it was all dismissed as him being busy inventing, and even the press went silent.

* * *

It was Christmas Eve. Tony Stark rose with a groan from where he'd been leaning against the workbench, and went to get some more alcohol. He was perfectly capable of getting drunk and soldier metal at the same time, why wouldn't he be? He even had a bot who could act as the necessary third hand to do soldiering properly.

He did not look out onto the waves or remember it was Christmas Eve. It had been twenty years since he last celebrated Christmas, and as he recalled, that had ended up with him tossing a full day's worth of gingerbread in the trash. Oh, how he hated gingerbread ever since that day.

He was better off alone.

He had had the chance, afterwards, Bucky had tried to call, and come over, but Tony could only take so much. There was only so many times you could heal a broken heart, and he had no more tries in him. He had tried, and though Bucky was the best taht had ever happened to him, he had not been any less alone. He simply couldn't do his best one more time.

He was better off alone. At least that was what he told himself, anyway. With a bit of luck, or if the universe showed any mercy, he didn't have that many years left to hurt him, anyway. He had been done, broken, for so many years.


End file.
